It’s Saturday afternoon, and I’m tired. Time to go back
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Wholly shit it’s been a long time since I posted
Sunday, May 16, 2010
OK so what’s happened since the last time I posted? I have no idea, I’ll go read the last thing I posted… back in a few…
OK right- the ritalin. yeah, that was a long time ago.. I went to dinner, it was fine. But weird. A long time ago, that was… a year and a half ago, in fact.
So, what’s happened in the last year and a half? Let’s see…. I started fucking this insanely hot blond chick basically immediately after my girlfriend and I split up. Which was about three weeks after I last posted. We spent a lot of time together and fucked each some but.. then we stopped fucking each other, and we’re still friends.
OK, I’m gonna go do some thingelse now, I’m bored. back in a few…
ok back. I just re-read part of what I wrote last:
I think I’m going to try to go for pizza tonight or something, so we can go back to the bar afterwards… something where I can nurse one or two beers, or get a real drink, and she can get a couple real drinks too, so she forgets how fucked up I am.
Wow. Pretty telling of how my life was going at that point in time. I think I’m gonna write to her, just to say Hi. Or, maybe not. Maybe I’ll wait until I’m full-sober.
I was kidding about the thingelse, of course. I don’t think I’ve done ritalin since though. Or maybe I have, not really sure. But pretty sure I haven’t.
This is stupid. I can’t admit to myself what I’ve become. OK sometimes I admit it, but.. even when I do, it doesn’t take. I suppose that at least I know I’m not as much of an alcoholic as I was when I was dating that girl. Which I know, because I don’t ever feel the need to drink in the morning, I don’t ever look at the beers in the store in the morning and really want one. Or maybe I’m more of an alcoholic, and I’m living it both wet and dry, alternatingly. Whatever.
Here’s another story: I was closing the bar with.. OK this is bullshit, I need to come up with some names for these humans in my real life that I write about here, occasionally.
OK, done. Here are some of the names you’ll be reading about: jason, cheryl, lucy, jared, john, candice, matt, jeff, joe, denise, sal, minnie. Fortunately I have a spreadsheet. I’m jason.
OK so here’s the story: I was hanging out at the bar with jenny. It was closing time. Jenny’s ex, Jared called me up to see if I was gonna go to this after hours place we’d been to once before.
You know what? Fuck this, I’m gonna sign off for the night.
High
Sunday, August 31, 2008
So high. Snorted 20mg ritalin this afternoon, after drinking two Miller High Life, and then around four gin and tonics. I think it was four, could have been three, could have been five… anyway 1.5 lemons worth.
Have a new girlfriend, she’s super hot. Has been super hot for ages and ages, has been my girlfriend for only a small portion of that time- about 10 months or something.
I’m fucking drunk. I’m supposed to meet her in 75 minutes or so. But, I’m fucking drunk, and high on the ritalin I’ve been snorting all day. I want to snort more… I don’t know if that’s a terrible idea, or the greatest idea I ever had. I filmed some of it; I’d really like to fucking get high for a while longer and stumble over to the bar and… not hit on my bartender, that’s for sure- many things have changed in the last year since I’ve posted. I’m a regular now.
Yeah, really I want to go to the bar, nice and drunk already, and nice and high. Argh… I saw a female outside my apartment a while ago, I wanted to fuck her on sight. It sucks- I know girls I can call now whom I could call and they would come over and we could fuck any which way and it would be great and it would be terrible, but it’s not what I *want*. What I *want* is the girlfriend I have. So, why did I open that Miller like eight hours ago? And why did I open the next? And why did I make drink after drink, until I thought it would be fun to do some drugs? And why then did I film it? And why then did I do more drugs? And film it more? And why do I want to do more drugs now?
Is it because I’m drunk?
When I was in college I used to say, “It’s the ritalin talking, you don’t need to do more right now.” But, I did more a lot of the time anyway. And, it fucked with my life. And, it fucked with my work. I know I’m going to feel like shit tomorrow because of this.
I think I’m going to try to go for pizza tonight or something, so we can go back to the bar afterwards… something where I can nurse one or two beers, or get a real drink, and she can get a couple real drinks too, so she forgets how fucked up I am.
Who knows… Perhaps things change this evening… Hopefully not. I like the way I am, except for the constant drinking. Well, except for a lot of things. But, almost all of them I at least *enjoy*.
ugg
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
I really don’t feel like writing much- I have to get ready for work. I haven’t felt like writing recently really anyway. On Sunday I went to the park with a flask of Jack Daniels. After a couple of hours, I ran out of Jack, and also club soda- it was like 90 degrees- and had to come home and fill the flask back up again. So I did that, grabbed another liter of club soda, and went back to the park for a while, until I’d again finished off both the flask and the bottle. On the way home, I decided I’d stop in the bar for a beer.. it turned into a few beers. Somehow I managed to consume somewhere between 10-12 oz. of Jack, and three or four Guinness.
Fortunately that night I woke up like every hour and drank a huge glass of water, so somehow I felt basically fine when I got up.
The following night I was busy, and didn’t drink… last night I wasn’t busy with anything, and in the end, after fighting it for a couple of hours, had a pair of Becks. Fucking bullshit. I can’t explain the pull… it’s like the pull to smoke, almost identical really. I don’t know whether that means it’s a mental addiction or a phyiscal one- I would assume a mental addiction largely, if the symptoms are exactly the same.. That is to say, I assume the nicotine and the alcohol react differently with the body to cause differing phyiscal dependencies, and thus removal of those drugs would cause the body different effects.
This leads to, hopefully if I can find something to replace drinking at home with, besides going to the bar, then hopefully I can slow this progression down a bit. I’m not ready for my own Leaving Las Vegas.
What I would do though, I have no idea.
not so much
Saturday, June 23, 2007
so I did end up going to the bar last night, as I said I was going to. I had an OK time- not great, not bad, but OK. I had an opportunity to take a girl out of there with me, but I wasn’t ready to take a girl home, and I wasn’t exactly particularly attracted to her, and thus I didn’t make any special effort to be the one that fucked her tonight, so I bored her, and she disappeared. I seem to have a talent for that, somehow. So much of the time, I feel like I really have nothing to talk about, and then end up completely dominating conversations. But, I guess that’s my winning personality.
I don’t really know how much I had to drink- I reckon probably around seven or eight Guinness.
I realized this afternoon that I need to stop going to bars to talk to girls- the likelihood that I would meet a girl in my local, or another bar I might be in, and want to build a relationship with her is terribly low. Really I need to stop drinking so much. It’s so hard to stop drinking though- I didn’t do shit all day because I slept on my bathroom floor, which evidently needs cleaning, since it’s a lot dustier when you get down around zero inches from the floor. I don’t know, I hate this whole thing so much. This.. everything. I want my old life back.
going anyway
Friday, June 22, 2007
after trying to find something with more females, I’m giving up. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll wander around over near the local college campus or something and see if I can find any bars over there… honestly I’m getting a bit old for college girls, but hey shit, whatever.. there are grad students, I suppose.
the preface…
Friday, June 22, 2007
it’s 7:24 Friday night.. I’m debating whether or not to go to the bar.
how the hell did this happen?
Thursday, June 21, 2007
I seriously have a problem resisting beer. I took my guys out for lunch today at work ’cause it was one of them’s last day- we went to the same place we always go, this BBQ joint. I always get a 20oz. Sierra Nevada, and then get a second one later on. But today, because I had some work-related stuff I needed to be totally sober for later on, I figured I’d just get a soda or something. But after listening to everyone else order their beer, I said fuck it one will be ok and ordered my beer.
It didn’t affect the work stuff at all I don’t think. That’s not the point- the point is I couldn’t resist the pull of it. But that’s not the bad part really- the bad part is that I wasn’t going to drink at all this evening after work, and I’ve been sitting here for half an hour since I got home, watching some new pr0n, and felt like I wanted a beer *a lot* so thought about it some, and then went and got a beer out of the fridge. It’s the 22oz. bottle of Guinness I bought the other day. It’s nowhere near as good as Guinness on tap, but it’s either that or Bass, and I’m sick of Bass. I can feel the dumbing effects of the alcohol now. My arms are a little lighter, the pressure in my head has changed, my tunnel vision is returning- I can see normally, but only what I’m looking at gets my full attention, everything else is completely uninteresting to my eye, sort of. I can still see it, but only vaguely… it’s sort of like my focus has drawn in from being n-degrees wide to being n/8-degrees wide. I can feel the pressure in my stomach, my ears are warmer and feel different, I can feel my whole body change, relax, become more deadened, and somehow also more alive. I can sit here and do nothing at all and be essentially motionless, and type away, looking only at the characters I’m typing, I can barely even see my fingers in front of me on the keyboard as individual fingers- I can see them, but it’s in the periphery, so… they’re there, but only just, sort of thing.
The typing is causing a pain in my shoulder to increase- I screwed it up a while back, sober, amazingly.
It’s also causing my left wrist to hurt, because of carpal tunnel issues.
I can’t tell how I’m thinking about girls now.. I know that I am much more interested in going to the bar now than I was before I started the beer- I’ve been trying to steer clear of the bar for a little while- I **really** need to stop spending so much money when I’m there. I need to get in there earlier and leave earlier, I need to not buy so many drinks, and I need to spend more time talking to people. Especially girls.
Also, I need to find a new bar that I can go to specifically to talk to girls. I think if I have a bar that I use solely for that, then I’m more likely to do it. I don’t want to do it at my local partly because it is my local, and it’s really not a place I’d bring a girl to, because, even though I don’t have a reputation there, other than someone who comes in and drinks alone, and then later leaves alone… I don’t know.
Anyway, I’m straying from the reason I started writing this- I seriously am becoming a fucking alcoholic and I need to do something about it. But, I don’t know how. Or what I’d do instead of drinking. That’s a serious problem right there. Really, probably, the most serious. It’s the only thing I know how to do as an adult. Other than work.
damn
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Last night I walked into the bar with about $117 in my pocket, or something like that. This morning I checked my wallet and there was only $72 in there. Somehow I managed to go through $45. I know I left a $5 on the bar by accident when I was leaving, but the rest I have no idea… It doesn’t nearly add up to the four Guinness and three Becks I remember drinking, at 4*5+3*4=$34 – $5 for a free Guinness = $29, plus I assume $9 in tips is $38, plus the lost $5 is $43, so, crap, that’s basically the $45 right there- oh, it is, cause I bought a $2 slice of pizza. shit.
I got a smile out of the patron though, at least. So that’s good. But I was too chickenshit to even see who was outside.
So yeah, I’m a fucking alcoholic. There’s another addiction too though.
and……. I want to fuck them both
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
wholly crap, one is so much hotter than the other, but Iwould still fuck them both at once.