D3MONS

So high.  Snorted 20mg ritalin this afternoon, after drinking two Miller High Life, and then around four gin and tonics.  I think it was four, could have been three, could have been five… anyway 1.5 lemons worth.

Have a new girlfriend, she’s super hot.  Has been super hot for ages and ages, has been my girlfriend for only a small portion of that time- about 10 months or something.

I’m fucking drunk.  I’m supposed to meet her in 75 minutes or so.  But, I’m fucking drunk, and high on the ritalin I’ve been snorting all day.  I want to snort more… I don’t know if that’s a terrible idea, or the greatest idea I ever had.  I filmed some of it; I’d really like to fucking get high for a while longer and stumble over to the bar and… not hit on my bartender, that’s for sure- many things have changed in the last year since I’ve posted.  I’m a regular now.

Yeah, really I want to go to the bar, nice and drunk already, and nice and high.  Argh… I saw a female outside my apartment a while ago, I wanted to fuck her on sight.  It sucks- I know girls I can call now whom I could call and they would come over and we could fuck any which way and it would be great and it would be terrible, but it’s not what I *want*.  What I *want* is the girlfriend I have.  So, why did I open that Miller like eight hours ago?  And why did I open the next?  And why did I make drink after drink, until I thought it would be fun to do some drugs?  And why then did I film it?  And why then did I do more drugs?  And film it more?  And why do I want to do more drugs now?

Is it because I’m drunk?

When I was in college I used to say, “It’s the ritalin talking, you don’t need to do more right now.” But, I did more a lot of the time anyway.  And, it fucked with my life.  And, it fucked with my work.  I know I’m going to feel like shit tomorrow because of this.

I think I’m going to try to go for pizza tonight or something, so we can go back to the bar afterwards… something where I can nurse one or two beers, or get a real drink, and she can get a couple real drinks too, so she forgets how fucked up I am.

Who knows… Perhaps things change this evening… Hopefully not.  I like the way I am, except for the constant drinking.  Well, except for a lot of things.  But, almost all of them I at least *enjoy*.