D3MONS

I seriously have a problem resisting beer. I took my guys out for lunch today at work ’cause it was one of them’s last day- we went to the same place we always go, this BBQ joint. I always get a 20oz. Sierra Nevada, and then get a second one later on. But today, because I had some work-related stuff I needed to be totally sober for later on, I figured I’d just get a soda or something. But after listening to everyone else order their beer, I said fuck it one will be ok and ordered my beer.

It didn’t affect the work stuff at all I don’t think. That’s not the point- the point is I couldn’t resist the pull of it. But that’s not the bad part really- the bad part is that I wasn’t going to drink at all this evening after work, and I’ve been sitting here for half an hour since I got home, watching some new pr0n, and felt like I wanted a beer *a lot* so thought about it some, and then went and got a beer out of the fridge. It’s the 22oz. bottle of Guinness I bought the other day. It’s nowhere near as good as Guinness on tap, but it’s either that or Bass, and I’m sick of Bass. I can feel the dumbing effects of the alcohol now. My arms are a little lighter, the pressure in my head has changed, my tunnel vision is returning- I can see normally, but only what I’m looking at gets my full attention, everything else is completely uninteresting to my eye, sort of. I can still see it, but only vaguely… it’s sort of like my focus has drawn in from being n-degrees wide to being n/8-degrees wide. I can feel the pressure in my stomach, my ears are warmer and feel different, I can feel my whole body change, relax, become more deadened, and somehow also more alive. I can sit here and do nothing at all and be essentially motionless, and type away, looking only at the characters I’m typing, I can barely even see my fingers in front of me on the keyboard as individual fingers- I can see them, but it’s in the periphery, so… they’re there, but only just, sort of thing.

The typing is causing a pain in my shoulder to increase- I screwed it up a while back, sober, amazingly.

It’s also causing my left wrist to hurt, because of carpal tunnel issues.

I can’t tell how I’m thinking about girls now.. I know that I am much more interested in going to the bar now than I was before I started the beer- I’ve been trying to steer clear of the bar for a little while- I **really** need to stop spending so much money when I’m there. I need to get in there earlier and leave earlier, I need to not buy so many drinks, and I need to spend more time talking to people. Especially girls.

Also, I need to find a new bar that I can go to specifically to talk to girls. I think if I have a bar that I use solely for that, then I’m more likely to do it. I don’t want to do it at my local partly because it is my local, and it’s really not a place I’d bring a girl to, because, even though I don’t have a reputation there, other than someone who comes in and drinks alone, and then later leaves alone… I don’t know.

Anyway, I’m straying from the reason I started writing this- I seriously am becoming a fucking alcoholic and I need to do something about it. But, I don’t know how. Or what I’d do instead of drinking. That’s a serious problem right there. Really, probably, the most serious. It’s the only thing I know how to do as an adult. Other than work.